Yeah, this is an odd one alright.
Cory Parkinson and Sean Duffy
A horrible crime streak has hit our school. “Missing mouse balls!” exclaims Dayne Thompson, a frustrated intern at RHS who has been following a very serious issue since day one.
This is no laughing matter. Balls all over the school have been disappearing everyday, but the highest concentration of these heinous acts has been in the AR lab. Ten balls were reported missing just last month alone.
The balls can be described as small, gray, round, and they cost a substantial amount of our money to replace. However, these criminal acts will be stopped.
The culprit(s) of this foul crime streak have yet to be discovered. Technology facilitator Pixie Arthur and other teachers have been investigating daily with little results and few leads. The balls reside in the underside of the mouse for easy access. Otherwise known as “trackballs,” a mouse needs one of these or some sort of optical tracking device to function properly. Ms. Arthur explained the seriousness of this issue for our reporters: “Mice without their balls have nothing to contribute to this school.”
One might wonder why and who would perpetrate such a crime. We questioned Mr. Farrington, who teaches psychology, about the motives of our ball-snatching criminal.
He explained, “The perpetrator of this abominable crime is suffering from psycho-sexual dysfunction and perceives this operational mouse as a threat to his masculinity and, therefore, the symbolic castration of his competition is his only logical recourse.”
Nevertheless, this horrible act is considered vandalism. Punishment will be carried out swiftly and harshly. Anyone caught perpetrating the act of disabling of our school’s mice will lose computer privileges and have all balls in their possession removed.
New policies involving pre and post examination of all mice in a lab to assure their balls are firmly secured are already being enacted in the AR lab. Another measure being considered in the future may include the use of a sign in sheet, where the user of a computer is responsible for their mouse’s well being for the duration of their stay.
Keep reading the RHS Today for further developments in this breaking story.