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Courtesy of the Ruidoso High School Newspaper
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Residents Ordered to Ration Water for Golf Courses.

Last week, with the anticipation of another drought year, the Ruidoso Village council asked all residents to reduce their water usage, so the golf courses could be “all green and pretty for the tourists.” The Ruidoso water ration plan calls for all residents to use a maximum of 2 and a half cups per month total, with stiff fines for those who go over this limit, who aren’t rich. Also, all residents are being ordered to donate 5 gallons per day to The Links Golf Course.

“We’re really excited that the council has finally got its priorities in order,” a spokesperson for the golf course said Monday. “We’ve always wanted a fountain… ooh, and our own water slide,” the spokesperson went on, “but those pesky ‘residents’ kept using all our water. Now we can have both, AND build our own moat!”

The move comes after Cree Meadows diverted the Rio Ruidoso to flow over their entire course. “Sure, it turned our course into a marshy bog, but we have the greenest course in New Mexico!” their website states. The others became so jealous, they petitioned the council to enact the restrictions “so we can be pretty too!”

When asked about the environmental impact of the decision, a council representative replied, “What’s that?” When the question was rephrased, noting that half of the upper canyon had already dried up and blown away as a result, and that the forest service had to designate a new fire danger level of “RUN AWAY!” in anticipation of the coming fire season, the councilman started drooling. After an intense briefing involving multiple diagrams and pictures of the forest burning down, we finally got an answer. “We have purchased gigantic wind generating fans to effectively blow out any fire that starts without the need of taking any water away from the golf courses.”

Sir Nard Manhawk was not available for comment.